Stay and be still

Stay and be still

For the past month or so, I’ve been feeling restless. Everywhere I look, people seem to be exploring new avenues and crazy adventures: friends are packing up and moving abroad, family members are about to embark on the wild and magical road of new parenthood, people are quitting their jobs, starting new projects, going on holiday to fabulous places…

And here I sit. Three years into my own business (things are going smoothly – no unusual upheavals, which is a good thing. Something I have to keep reminding myself, as I’m someone who tends to thrive on change), three – almost four – years into parenting a beautiful, magical little being… yet secretly envying those who are experiencing the excitement and newness of pregnancy.

Don’t get me wrong – I am eternally, powerfully, ridiculously grateful for everything that I have: a beautiful home, the flexibility of working for myself, a stable income, my amazing, talented, super-good-looking husband and my hilarious, gorgeous little boy. So, so grateful.

However. Over the past two or three weeks, I’ve been feeling a little restless. “Maybe we should move,” I tell my husband. “I really, really, really need a holiday.”Why don’t we go on a mini road trip on Saturday?”  “Maybe I should look into getting an office space?” Anything to get out of the house; out of my usual, everyday life. I’ve even found myself suggesting that my husband and I do an English teaching course and move to Japan for a year or two. Seriously?!

And then it hit me: I’m bored. Every day is the same. I wake up, make Beanie some tea and pour myself some coffee. I check in on social media, then check my emails. I drop Beanie off at school, then get started on my work for the day. I fetch Beanie from school, make lunch, put him down for his nap, work some more. Day in and day out. I can safely say that I spent a full day exploring new options and ways to add excitement to my life before it hit me: maybe it’s ok to be bored? Maybe being bored isn’t such a bad thing after all?

While contemplating a potential move to a new home or different suburb, something deep within me told me to stay. Just stay. Be still. While brainstorming new ideas for furthering my business, it suddenly welled up inside me: be still. 

And to be honest? As much as I love the idea of moving and starting afresh in a new home or expanding my business, I feel – for now – that the right thing to do right now is simply to stay put. To be still. To wait it out.

Because as much as I can sense that the right thing to do for now is to be still, I can also feel – with the utmost certainty – that something big is going to happen. I don’t know when or where or how, but I can feel it. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

My business isn’t huge and doesn’t bring in the biggest income, but it allows me to be flexible and to be there for my family, while doing something I enjoy. Beanie was sick last week, and I was able to stay at home with him all week, prioritising his needs over my to-do list – yet I still managed to get all my work done without feeling overly stressed out or overwhelmed.

I’m constantly reminded that life is full of different seasons, and the season I’m in at the moment looks a little something like this: endless cups of tea to be made, lots of wet kisses and butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses, piles and piles of laundry, cold cups of coffee, a permanently overflowing inbox, Lego blocks strewn all over the house, being called ‘mama’ 50 times in the space of one minute, sleeping literally on the edge of the bed while my toddler, dog and two cats cuddle up next to my husband, an always-full sink and a broken dishwasher, not enough money to make it till the end of the month, crayons on my walls and on the couch, interrupted (often shared) bubble baths…

And as exhausting as every day feels, looking back at that list I realise that it really isn’t so bad after all. I love hopping into bed at the end of each day and having to squeeze in between my toddler and two cats while the dog insists on sleeping on top of my feet. I love the realisation that every single beautiful being that lives under our roof chooses to squeeze into our overcrowded bed, if only to share in all the love. I love it. So what if I have a crick in my neck the next morning? It’s totally worth it.

Because, one day, I’ll be 40 and Beanie will be 13-going-on-14 and far too cool to cuddle his mama (trust me, my brothers are 14 and I’ve become suddenly uncool and 30 is aaaancient, don’t you know?), and my beloved cats (and possibly pooch) will likely no longer be with us, and I’ll have even more wrinkles and my boobs will be even more saggy… life is just too short not to embrace where you’re at. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and, even if you’re in a pretty sh*tty space right now, things will get better. 

I’ll be honest: the first half of 2016 has been pretty ‘meh’. 2015 wasn’t much fun either. But one thought that’s stayed with me through all the good times and the bad times is that life is magical. It really, really is. It has to be. I just don’t see the point of us all being here otherwise… the very fact that we are here is pretty magical, if you really sit down and contemplate it. One minute there’s nothing; the next? An egg and a sperm magically fuse and BAM! You’re there. Seemingly out of nothingness, in all your wild and crazy – and sometimes boring – magical-ness. 

I honestly, wholeheartedly believe that we are created with purpose and that life is so much more magical than we can possibly fathom. Whether you believe in God or Allah or The Universe – whatever – you are here for a reason, you are right where you belong, and you are going places. Sometimes it’s an exhilarating and exciting ride that feels good and right and easy; other times, it’s like a slow and painful hike that meanders around and around until it starts to feel like you’ve been walking for hours and hours with absolutely no progress. And just as you start worrying that you took a wrong turn and got lost – start contemplating turning back – the path gets a little wider, a little less treacherous, and starts evening out until you finally start to approach the top. And when you finally reach the summit? You’ll be amazed at the magic that awaits: the most spectacular view you’ve ever seen, clean, fresh air, a much-needed sip of water, and a sunny rock to sit on while you rest your feet and feast on the sights and sounds that surround you.

“This place where you are right now/ God circled on a map for you.” – Hafiz

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